


Infinity

by Moonlight_Lily



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Betrayal, F/M, Modern AU, Romance, Unnamed characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-30
Updated: 2012-08-30
Packaged: 2017-11-13 04:42:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlight_Lily/pseuds/Moonlight_Lily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If something should ever happen to you, or to her… You'll spend your entire life, or your last few minutes, regretting every moment you couldn't have spent with her, or held her, or…" Loved her with all my heart, he thought to himself. Modern AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Infinity

**Author's Note:**

> This is from one character's POV, not all of them, and I sort of stole a situation from the show here (though I prefer to say 'recreated')

He didn't know what to do at that moment. He wanted to look up at her, to silently comfort her, yet the sight of his best friend holding his beloved as she drew her last breaths was oddly captivating. He kept imagining it was  _her_  in his arms, struggling to utter her final declaration of love for him before she met her maker. Shaking his head, he watched as his best friend pressed his lips tenderly to the dying woman's sweaty forehead, she finally succumbing to the darkness, suffering no more.

Finally able to gather up whatever courage he had left at his current state, he averted his gaze to her, far across the other side of the room, her petite body shaking with silent sobs. His eyes trailed her quivering frame from where her feet where planted firmly on the blindingly white-tiled floor of the room, up to her face, where he found her chocolate irises firmly fixed on him, pain and sorrow shining through them and a hint of something else he couldn't quite identify at that moment. Was that… Longing, that he saw? Perhaps. She tilted her head to the side, staring at him with such helplessness that his resolve almost crumbled and he fought fiercely not to stride across the room and draw her into his embrace.

He felt moisture on his cheeks and realised absently that he's been crying. He wondered if the broken look she was sending him was because she felt the same way as he did. Well, of course she was heartbroken over the whole situation, he just wondered if it was mainly for the same reason he was. He shook his head again and tore his eyes away from hers, almost painfully, to focus on his now openly sobbing best friend. There were more important matters to focus on now.

Definitely more important than  _her_.

* * *

Her funeral was held the day after the next, only a small ceremony attended by her immediate family and closest friends.

"She wouldn't have liked anything big." Her lover of over 3 years had told him. "She never has. She always told me that our… Wedding would be perfect with only six people on a beach. Me, her, my uncle, her mother, you and…" The man hesitated for a moment and his blond companion looked down, knowing immediately what his friend, more like brother now, was going to say before he said it.

"Do not dare utter her name in my presence." He murmured, his tone slightly threatening.

His dark-haired best friend merely took another sip from the whiskey he was nursing, only his second so far. "Still bitter, I see."

His words were ignored. "Are we going to Leo's tonight? Drink away our sorrows?"

His friend sighed. "I don't think so, mate. Wouldn't do either of us any good." He ran a skinny hand through his dark hair. "Besides, I can see that disapproving glare of hers flashing before my eyes already, and it's only my second drink."

The two shared a quiet chuckle. "She was a fragile, tiny little thing, she was, but you should never awaken that deeply-buried other side of her." He looked down at his lap for a moment. "You would still do everything she told you even though she's…" He gulped. "Gone?" The word tore out from his throat painfully.

"When you love someone so much… They never really leave you. Her body might have, but her heart and soul are still here, with me every step of the way." He took another sip. "You understand."

His head snapped up, the muscles in his neck cracking at the sudden movement, shocked at his best friend's blunt words. "I have no idea what you mean." His tone was firm, but he knew it was not firm enough to convince his own self of his words. And judging by those eyes staring back at him, his friend wasn't convinced either.

"You know exactly what I mean. We both know you will never stop loving her." Blue clashed against blue as his best friend held his gaze firmly, knowingly, standing up to him in one of few, truly rare occasions.

He stared back at him for a few long moments before looking away, not wanting his friend to see the now broken expression etched on his features.

"You should stop fighting it. It's not good for you. Or her." He finished his whiskey and put the glass down, standing up from his place on the couch. "I should go check on her, make sure my dear old uncle hasn't talked her ear off yet." His long time friend left the room and he clenched both of his hands into fists, trying to toss his friend's words out of his mind, but failing miserably. He clenched his fists harder in an effort not to grab the now empty discarded glass in front of him and hurl it across the room.

* * *

It was two months later, early November, and he was heading towards that little bistro they all used to frequent once a week. They still did, but since  _her_ death, it was only him and her former lover that would meet up there. This time, however, he decided to bring his sister along. His half sister from his father's second marriage, about three years his junior, has been his closest friend and trusted confident for more than he could remember and since he met the young man he considered a brother now, the three of them had been inseparable.

The dark-haired, green-eyed woman has never failed to make their honorary brother laugh, the two of them always getting along perfectly and often ganging up on him, frustrating him to no end. He decided that her presence would distract him, no, both of them, from the sorrow filling their souls, although their friend was coping rather well. He made a right at the end of the street he was walking in, pulling the collar of his coat higher and tightening the scarf around his neck in an effort to warm himself a bit against the November chill, and found the two of them already sat at a table outside, his sister making some comment or another that made the other man snort while they warmed their hands on their cups on hot tea.

"Already started the party without me, eh?" He said as he pulled out the third chair at the table and plopped down on it, a faux hurt loom on his handsome face.

"You were running a bit late, we couldn't wait for you forever, you know." His friend stuck his tongue out at him before taking a sip of his tea.

"And wipe that puppy dog look off your face, you know that pout doesn't work on us anymore." His sister shot him one of those smirks of hers and he rolled his eyes at her, but he was glad to see his friend smiling more, even if it was at his expense.

"I hope you two weren't talking about me behind my back, at least."

"Actually, we were." His sister smirked at him again. "We were talking about that one time where you and-"

"Oh, don't mention her name in front of him." His best friend interrupted her quickly. "Last time I did, he almost went all Braveheart on me. On  _me_! Can you believe it? Right in the middle of the street!" The young man pouted adorably, causing the woman beside him to grin and ruffle his raven mane of hair affectionately.

"I thought I told you not to speak of her again." He narrowed his bright blue eyes at the both of them, making his friend sigh with exasperation and his sister roll her eyes at him.

"She might not be your girlfriend anymore, but she's still our best friend." Her tone was heavily laced with annoyance.

"How is she settling in her new flat, by the way? I didn't have the chance call her and check on her after she moved."

"Wait, new flat? She moved?" He asked, surprised at the news.

"Well, she couldn't exactly stay with her brother forever, and she needed a new place to live after  _you_ kicked her out." Her tone was accusing and he refused to catch her eye, fearing the usual look of disappointment in them. Instead, he focused on his menu, trying to look interested in choosing a beverage.

"You're talking as if I acted rashly, for no reason. My actions were perfectly justified." His irises skimmed over the list, his mind failing to comprehend what his eyes were reading. "When was this, anyway?"

"If you actually had the decency to ask about her well-being every once in a while, you would've known about this little turn of events." His friend chided. "And I thought you didn't care anyway?"

"I don't." He replied, a little too quickly. They both raised dark eyebrows at him in sync. They didn't believe him. They never did. Hell, he didn't even believe himself. He knew it was always a lie when he said he didn't care or he didn't love her anymore, he just figured that the more times he said it, he would finally convince himself, and eventually the others, that it was the truth.

Hell would freeze over before he admitted that little fact to anyone, of course. Especially those two.

"You need to get over it eventually, you know." His sister said softly. "I know you're hurting, but it was a mistake, we all know it. She reached over the table and took his hand into her smaller one, rubbing her thumb over his skin soothingly.

"She knows she's made a mistake." She continued. "And she apologised for it more times than any of us could count now. She loves you, and you love her, so why do you deny yourself, and her, happiness?"

"She betrayed me. I caught her, I… I  _saw_  her-"

"What you saw was all that had happened." His friend interjected, his voice low, his tone gentle. "You refuse to hear her side of the story; you just assumed the worst as soon as you saw what you saw and acted upon your false, hurried conclusions."

"Whether it was just that or more, it does not change that fact. She. Betrayed me. End of discussion." The finality in his tone could be detected a mile away.

"No." His friend said, standing up to him  _again_ , eliciting a mix of shocked and curious looks from both of hi companions. "You need to stop this, for both your sake and hers." He took a deep breath before he continued. "If something should ever happen to you, or to her… You'll spend your entire life, or your last few minutes, regretting every moment you couldn't have spent with her, or held her, or…"  _Loved her with all my heart_ , he thought to himself. "But you didn't… Trust me, I would know." The man looked visibly upset, on the verge of tears. That was not the purpose of them coming here.

"I'm sorry." He was, he really was. It is never his intention to upset his best friend so much.

"It's not me you should be apologising to." The man shrugged, giving him a knowing look.

The fair-haired man sighed, squeezing his eyes shut for a few moments. "Look, I'll just go take a short walk, and then I'll come back and we'll talk about other things. Happier things. Alright?" He gave them both a tight smile and felt his sister give his hand a slight squeeze, reminding him that she hadn't let go of it, and disentangled his fingers from hers, standing up and slowly turning around, choosing to go back through the route he took to arrive to the bistro earlier.

He walked around for about 10 minutes, oblivious to his surroundings, his mind seemingly not able to think of anything but her, then his friend's and sister's words, then more about her. He didn't know what came over him, but he felt something pulling him towards a certain street and without giving his brain time to contemplate his next move, his feet automatically steered him to the left, guiding him down the street before coming to a halt.

He found himself face to face with a Buzz Lightyear toy, apparently a new edition, in the window of a children's toy store. His mind flashed a few memories before his eyes before settling on one he was particularly fond of. It was about 2 years into their relationship.

" _Why are we watching this again?" He asked for the umpteenth time._

" _Because I like it and I want to watch it with you." She explained again, slowly and patiently, as if talking to a five-year-old._

_They were lounging comfortably on the comfy couch in her living room, his legs up on the coffee table in front of him and her tiny body curled into a tiny ball and snuggled into his side. His fingers were buried into her hair, tenderly gliding through her soft, dark tresses and massaging her scalp every once in a while as her eyes remained fixed on the LCD screen._

_As soon as it was announced that a 'Toy Story 3' would hit theatres soon, she had squealed, jumping up and down like an overexcited kid would before throwing her arms around his neck, hugging him to her tightly._

_When he confusedly asked what Toy Story was, she drew back, staring at him for a few uncomfortable moments, her face expressionless, then took in a big gulp of air and almost screamed at him._

" _How can you not know what Toy Story is? Every kid practically grew up with it!"_

" _I think we've already established I was not most kids." He reminded her._

" _Oh, right" She frowned for a moment, then looked up at him, giving him this gorgeous, toothy grin._

" _Well, it's never too late to catch up!" She said brightly. "I am going to introduce you to the magnificent world of Toys! You're going to love it, trust me!" She leaned up to peck his lips and squealed as he wrapped his arms around her narrow waist, pulling her in for a proper snog and falling back onto her couch._

_That was why they were sitting on the very same couch, watching 2 animation movies in a row._

" _I just don't understand what's so fascinating about a bunch of talking toys and some seemingly annoying people." He complained, again._

" _Hush now! Don't talk about them like that!" She lightly slapped his chest. "I think they're very cute. Very adorable."_

_He snorted. "Adorable. Whatever. And what's with that Buzz thing? So stuck up, so worshiped. What's so special about him?"_

" _Would you stop insulting Buzzy-"_

" _Oh, it's Buzzy now." He rolled his eyes._

" _What, don't tell me you're jealous of a toy." She smirked up at him and he childishly stuck his tongue out at her._

" _He's cute, they all are. Besides, that motto of his always reminds me of us." She shrugged. "Or at least, what I hope for us to be."_

_He looked down at her, a curious glint in his ocean blue orbs. "What do you mean?"_

" _Well…" He could hear the blush in her voice. "Whenever he says 'To Infinity and Beyond' I always think of us, how long I want our relationship to last."_

_He tightened his hold around her, burying his nose into her hair. "And how long do you want us to last?"_

" _Well I… I know there are lots of obstacles… Especially with your father now and everything, but…" He felt her draw in a shaky breath. "I honestly can't imagine my life without you."_

_He remained silent for a second then planted a reassuring kiss on her head and placed his fingers under her chin, lifting her head up and guiding her eyes to his. "I know we're facing a lot right now. And I know that it probably won't get any easier in the future. But that would never make me stop loving you. Ever."_

" _Really?" Her voice was raspy and he could see a few tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. He wiped them away with his thumb before they could escape and stain her pretty face._

" _Really. I'll love you to infinity and beyond!" He tried, and failed, imitating Clooney's voice as he said the phrase, making her laugh brightly, her giggles sounding like music to his ears, causing him to grin at her in return._

" _I'll hold you to that promise." He felt her arm snake around his neck and pull his head down for a kiss. He instantly deepened it, his tongue slowly coaxing her lips to part against his. They stayed like that for a few minutes before she pulled away._

" _We need to watch the movie." She said quietly, nuzzling his nose with hers._

" _I was hoping my kisses would be distracting enough from it." He leaned down for another round but she used her fingers as a barrier between their lips._

" _Watch the movie." She rested her head back on his chest and he decided not to argue. He would make her make it up to him after they finished._

He blinked, his mind deciding to cut the memory off at that point and travel back to present time.

He had promised her. And he failed her.

What she did was terrible, but he had always told her that no matter what happened, they would get through it.

Maybe he just couldn't go back to her because he couldn't forgive her.

_Nonsense…_

He forgave her months ago.

Then why wasn't she in his arms at this moment? Why weren't they kissing on her couch or walking his dog in the park or lying in each other's arms after a few rounds of love-making?

' _Because you're too damn stubborn for your own good.'_  He thought.

He stood there for a few more minutes, staring at that Buzz through the window, before he broke out into a run, almost knocking over a kid in the process.

"Sorry!" He called, not looking back, increasing his pace as he got closer to his destination.

"Give me her address!" He blurted out to his shocked best friends, still panting from all the running.

The two of them exchanged a strange look before matching face-splitting grins broke out on both of their faces. His friend took out a pen from his pocket and gave it to his sister, who grabbed a napkin quickly scribbled down the address on it.

He snatched the napkin away as soon as she'd finished and quickly scanned it, grinning widely a he realised it was only a few blocks away.

"Thank you." He leaned down and kissed his sister on the cheek and pulled his best friend in for one of their 'man hugs'. "Wish me luck you two!"

"Good luck mate!" He heard his friend call out to him and share a chuckle with the young woman next to him as he bolted out from his spot before either of them could reply.

* * *

He stood outside her door for what seemed like eternity. It was only 13 minutes, but it felt much longer. And he was already getting weird looks fro the neighbours, so he thought he should just go ahead and get what he came for over with.

Gathering his courage up, he rapped his knuckles on her door.

When a few moments passed with no answer, he knocked again, a bit more urgently this time.

"Yes, I'm coming! Just give me a second!" He heard her voice call through the door and his breath hitched. He missed that kind, delicate voice of hers so much…

The door swung open and she froze, her hand holding a towel to her head, dabbing at her soaked curls.

"Hi." He began tentatively.

"Hi." She sounded so breathless that he almost missed her reply, and she had to clear her throat afterwards.

"Um… Can I- can I come in?" He was desperately hoping she wouldn't deny him, but he hoped his face didn't show it. Then again, she always read him like a book anyway…

"Oh. Yeah, of- of course." She was flustered, he knew it. He could almost smell it on her.

He closed the door behind him, taking a few moments to compose himself before he addressed her.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine. I guess…" She shrugged, her eyes firmly fixed on the wall behind him as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world.

"That's good." He nodded, taking a few deep breaths. For some reason, everything he wanted to say to her escaped his mind, replaced by an extremely annoying blank space.

He heard her clear her throat uncomfortably and felt a slight blush rising on his cheeks, realising he'd been staring at her."

"Is there something you wanted?" She asked slowly.

"Yes, yes, I…" He gulped. "I missed you."

She looked dumbstruck. "…Sorry?"

"You heard me." He looked her straight in the eye. "I've missed you. More than I can say."

"But… Why are you telling me this?" He could see the tears already pooling in her eyes.

' _She thinks I'm here just to hurt her more.'_

"Look." He sighed. "What happened before, whatever happened between us-"

"No, please don't." What I did, it was,  _is_ , unforgivable."

"I honestly don't care anymore." She looked even more bewildered than before. He didn't think that was possible, He just dismissed and continued.

"I was hurt, and angry, and the pain was the only think I could think of whenever I thought of you or someone brought you up. I was so blinded by rage, but when I just calmed down for a moment and thought about it… The pain I was feeling was only me hurting you, and in the process, myself."

He took a few steps forward, slowly walking towards her, and hesitated for a few seconds when he finally reached her, then just grabbed both of her hands anyway.

"Those few years we were together for." He winced slightly at the past tense. "They made you a part of me. The part of me that matters, that keeps me alive. And I failed you, I hurt you…"

"It was well deserved. All of it." She interjected, her chest heaving as she tried to withhold her tears.

"Please, just let me talk." His own voice was breaking, and he had to wait for a moment or two to regain control of his emotions.

"What happened was… Really horrible but I promised you that whatever difficulties we would face, we'd get through them together, and this is no different."

Her large doe eyes were looking at him expectantly and he couldn't resist brushing a lock of hair back from her face in order to see them better.

"But… Why now? What made you come to me now and say this?"

"When we were in that hospital room, and he was holding her as she was dying…" He closed his eyes. "I kept imagining that it was me holding you, that I was the one losing  _you_ forever. And when I was sitting with him today and he was talking to me about it… I realised I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you and we weren't happily together, doing all those things we do. Without telling you I loved you one last time…

"I've forgiven you long ago. And now I need to stop being such an arse and get the love of my life back before I go mad."

"Really?" She asked in a chocked whisper, hope shining through her brown orbs.

He nodded to her. "Really." He could feel her doubt and decided to reassure her the only way he could, the only way he always did. He gently guided her head towards his and pressed his lips to hers.

He had to find the groan trying to push its way through his throat at the sensation of her soft mouth caressing his, especially after all this time.

He felt her knees give and quickly wrapped an arm around herm pressing her closer against him. He dimly felt wetness on his face and realised she was crying. He did not know how long it had been, but it still felt much too soon. Nevertheless, he literally tore his lips away from hers and drew back far enough to study the tears freely making their way down her cheeks.

"What is it?" He whispered to her and tenderly wiped her tears away.

"Nothing. I just can't believe this is really happening." She let out a small laugh, a disbelieving smile playing on her lips. He just smiled back and kissed her forehead. "It's happening, love."

He held her tightly and tucked her head under his chin, losing himself in that aroma of lavender of her hair that he loved so much.

"You're not going to change your mind later, are you?" Her small voice was muffled by his shoulder and he chuckled quietly at her words.

"I'm never going to change my mind." He kissed her temple and held her for a bit longer. He knew they would never go back to what they used to be before. No, they would be in a much better place.

It would take some time and lots of effort, but he was determined to do his best to make them work.

"I'm not backing out on us again. Not this time, not ever." He drew back again. "I love you, I always will. We're in this together and no matter what, I'll always be by your side."

She stared into his eyes, making him struggle not to lose himself and drown in them as he usually did. "To infinity and beyond?" A small smile decorated her beautiful features.

He smiled back at her, leaning in until his face was a mere inch away from hers and whispered against her lips. "To infinity and beyond."

**_Fin_ **

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the prompt 'Infinity' and the Buzz line was the first thing that came to mind xD Sorry for not using character names, but my muse wouldn't let me write this otherwise...
> 
> Reviews are very much appreciated.
> 
> Until next time;
> 
> Lily


End file.
